"I'm prepared" I told myself as I walked into the testing center. The lady greeted me without a smile and asked for my drivers license. I took my seat in the waiting area with two other people. "What test are you taking?" the guy next to me asked. I gave him the shortest answer possible in an attempt to communicate my lack of desire to talk with him at that moment. He was obviously nervous. He rested his head on his hands and looked at the ground. I did my best to avoid his contagious attitude. For another moment I stared out the window at the blue sky. The sun reflected off a car and into my eyes. I stared into the suns refection because I knew I would be in a windowless room for a good five hours soon enough. My stare was broken after the second call from the smile free lady. Sun and mean people- I thought of California. "Would you like to start early?" Yes. I got up and I tapped the guy on the shoulder to break his nervous fixation. "You got this," I said. He thanked me. I was fingerprinted, metal detected and everything except cavity searched.
I knew the first ten answers. Thank you Jesus. I can do this! I suppressed my excitement and worked through the first section. It got harder...harder....harder...and draining. "Choose the best answer." You see, that means there are two, if not three right answers. I don't know. I would pick both. Those are two identical answers. I guess...and guess...and guess again. I'm beginning to question if I studied hard enough. Should have studied more. You're not smart enough and you're going to take this test multiple times before you pass. STOPPIT! SCOTT! This feels no different than your tests at Loma Linda. Trust your studies, your diligence, your prayers, your friends and families prayers, your smarts, your common sense, trust your track record.
1:30. One minute and 30 seconds was what was left when I hit submit. I was prepared for this. I was warned. You will feel terrible. You will cry and go home to silence and numbness. You will begin studying because you KNOW you failed. It was a long 90 minute ride home. Silence was the last thing I wanted because it made me think. I wanted to drown out thoughts with words to people on the other end of the phone. Kate's uncle met me in Bellingham for a spur of the moment dinner and beer. Partial relief partial uneasiness.
" Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
I repeated this verse over and over throughout my studies, during the test and after the test. I worry not about the things of my life. I am provided for. If I fail I fail and I will ask for strength to pass it another day.
"Commit your work to the Lord and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3.
Everything that I am is from the Lord. He gives and takes away. Nothing I do is of myself. It would be straight arrogance to think I passed that test on my own. Sure I studied hard and put in the time. I also committed every study session to Him. I only pray that I do that with every situation in my life- my money, my house, my relationships, my children and wife, the next step, etc.
Leila would quickly trot into the room during my study sessions. Almost in a peaceful frantic just to get my attention. "Pet me! It's time to pet me!" I had to. She layed at my feet constantly during my study sessions. Leaving only with the intention to reenter the room like it was the first time and saying "Pet me! It's time again!"
ACTIVE. Probably the best word ever. The second best word: SUPERSEDED. ACTIVE equals longer walks with Leila. ACTIVE equals reading something besides treatment for spinal cord injury. ACTIVE means paying off my student loans. ACTIVE means exercise. ACTIVE means our own place. ACTIVE means Katie gets her husband back after five years. Seriously, we have yet to spend more than three months of our marriage outside of school.
I'm tired. I was explaining it to my dad it's like the day after running a marathon. All you want to do is eat and sleep. I could not be more tired by 5pm. I feel like eating Thanksgiving dinner every night and then going straight to bed. But it's done. No more tests or late nights studying.
I saw her for the first time after finding out I passed. Her eyes were beautiful and glowing with memories from the past five years- yet tired and eager to make up lost time. "We did it" I whispered. "I've got your lunch made." She said. "You get to iron your own clothes." I smiled because she doesn't miss a beat. There was nothing more to say. It was finished. Oh. My. Goodness. It. Is. Finished!
It's fall and the vacationers have gone home. The state park is all but empty of smells of fresh bacon, kids that just met riding bikes together and the silhouettes of kayakers 100 yards from shore. We've deserted the park too. Our adventures have taken to the fields.
Huge fields where farmers cut hay are separated by miles of skinny country roads unavailable to all except cyclists and walkers. We break from the roads and make our way through the fields. It's where the birds are. It's where the field mice play games with the dogs. It's were the coyotes roam at night and howel at dusk from pack to pack to let each other know we are there.
I don't take Jessie Owens at dusk for that very reason. He doesn't stand a chance against a coyote. I'm throwing this in for Bill and Colleen. Don't worry. He's quite smart and listening exceptionally well.
I don't hesitate to take Leila at dusk. She would enjoy an encounter with a coyote. When we walk sometimes I think about it. I almost, in a weird way, hope for a coyote to come at her. How cool would it be to get into a fight with a coyote. Maybe i'm weird. It's you, coyote and your dog fighting it out. No one else around to see it. I've been bit by plenty of dogs and let me tell you nothing hurts worse than a chihuahua.
Till then Jessie marks every blade of grass in the field and Leila is more concerned with clearing the fields of all wildlife except her and Jessie.
They run...fast.
Jessie knows how to work the camera.
I got a gopher.
Working together to get to something.
Jessie Owens trying the one ear up thing.
Most of you can't wait for the baby. Even more of you can't wait for the baby so I stop posting pictures of my dog. Haha. Until then this is what you get and what I do enjoy. 
I've been getting this look a lot lately from Leila. It's the "how many times are we going to move" look.
