4 more months in Spokane

Thoughts of moving to California often invade my thoughts and crush any efforts of focusing on the now. It's a challenge to live this way... to be here, knowing that in 4 months im going to be there-- a new life, new peeple to meet, a new job, a new place to reside, a new church to find, a new culture, and new climate! I have no idea what to expect, but i still dream about the move.

Recently, my efforts at investing in the people here have become weighty and burdensome -- do i do it out of guilt or love? I feel too spread out sometimes, and i can't give my all to everyone. I'm a reck on the weekends, as i take time to manage my thoughts and organize my list of "to-do's," while at the same time allowing myself to relax and try to enjoy time with friends... or by myself. Scott has his friends, his job and co-workers, his "Study-buddies," and the group of guys he consistently meets with on Wednesdays and Sundays. Where are my friends? Where's the consistency? I do have to say that i will walk away from Spokane with lifelong relationships, but my struggle is a feeling of loneliness amist the craziness of too many relationships in my life.

I long for the time where all i have is Scott and a job. Where we are able to start fresh with our relationships... with establishing friendships together, and finding a church family that we both feel apart of. I will miss Spokane and the memories of the past 4 and half years i've been here.

But God is teaching me something so much greater than holding on to these things, He's teaching me about His Glory. I'm learning to see how mulling over my "issues" is a waste of time, but allowing myself to rest in Him and not be troubled by hardtimes is satisfying. I'm learning to not spread myself out and commit away all of my free time so that He becomes less and less in my life. I'm seeing how being an extreme "people pleaser" can be a curse, not just a blessing. A curse in the way that i put others' feelings before my husband's... a curse in the way that i'll be "committed" in vain only to satisfy the desires of others.

This is a challenging time. Conviction is wearysome and humbling. No one ever said it was suppose to be easy. But at the same time, it feels so good... and so satisfying knowing that God's work doesn't stop here.